Gutter Mouth Part 2 (or the Top Ten Things I’d Rather Talk About Than Gutters)

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In my last post, I described how our leaky gutters and a self-described gutter expert led to 6 months of drama in our house.

Hubby became obsessed with both Al (also known as Gutter Mouth or G.M.), his excuses and our leaky gutter/ crumbling plaster ceiling situation.  Hubby and G.M. exchanged countless e-mails in that time.  An example of a typical text thread:

Hubby, “So the weather forecast says sun for the whole week.  When can you come by?  I’d like a specific date.”

 G.M., “I’ll be by Monday, for sure.  You can count on me, Pal.  No hard feelings?”

But, Monday would roll around, then Tuesday and Wednesday, with cockamamie excuses from G.M. about why he couldn’t make it.  Hubby had had enough.  He asked for our money back and wanted to take action.  I said to wait, since he lives in our town and all.  As the months flew by, Hubby went from irritation to anger to incensed until Gutter Mouth was just about all he talked about.  The whole affair made Hubby cranky, and a cranky Hubby makes a cranky wife!

Top Ten Things I’d Rather Talk About Than Gutters:

  1. Is there life on Mars?
  2. Is Pluto a planet or not?
  3. Will aliens who previously lived on Pluto emigrate to Mars?
  4. Global warming’s effect on the North Pole.
  5. Smog in L.A.
  6. Celebrities who are famous for doing absolutely nothing.
  7. Why the concrete in a parking garage being built in my town is defective and how much money it will cost the taxpayers to rip it out?
  8. Why a member of the Historic Commission wanted to know what kind of nails we would use when we did work on the house.
  9. Is Times Square truly gentrified when the Naked Cowboy, Naked Cowgirl, Naked American Indian in feathered headdress and Naked Hippie who hangs a bra from her guitar are running around willy nilly?
  10. Football, Curling or Golf.  (Okay, that’s three things but they’re under ONE category!)

Gutter Mouth Part 1(or the Top Ten Excuses and Lies of a Gutter Mouth)

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My family wasn’t a cussing family.

That’s not to say tempers didn’t flare.  There was plenty of hollering in my home, accompanied by stomping feet and slamming doors.  I just don’t recall swear words worse than damn and hell.

Then I went to college, where curse words found a way into my vocabulary.  Along with everything else I loved about college, I loved the freedom to speak any which way I liked.  The summer after freshman year, my mom heard my newfound trash mouth and commented on it.  I tried to curb my gutter mouth while at home.

I recently encountered a different kind of Gutter Mouth, a man who is either a pathological liar, a con artist or both.

This winter, part of a plaster ceiling started crumbling, a sure sign of a leak.  Enter Al who from now on in will be referred to as G.M., a so-called gutter expert from our town.  He came recommended by a neighbor who also lives in an historic house and has introduced us to some wonderful people.  My neighbor’s recommendation was all I needed.  I’d come to find out later that G.M. had been flagged on a local online network as someone to avoid.

G.M. started work on our leaky gutters in December.  He said the job would be done in a few weeks.  After showing up a couple of times, climbing a ladder and assuring me that he was going to fix everything and more, he asked to be paid up front.  Stupidly, we did.  We thought that since he lives in town and has a kid who graduated with our kids, he was as good as his word and the contract spelling out the work and cost.  After we paid him, he never showed up again.

The next six months we tried to pin him down or get a refund.  Finally, under threat of the sheriff’s office, he taped a check to his door.  Hubby made sure it didn’t bounce.  It didn’t and now we’re through talking trash!

Top Ten Excuses and Lies of a Gutter Mouth:

  1. It might rain.
  2. It rained yesterday.
  3. It’s too cold.
  4. It’s too hot.
  5. I’m at the beach.
  6. There was an emergency at the beach.
  7. I’m in D.C.
  8. I’m busy with “the wife.”
  9. My son’s sick.
  10. Check’s in the mail.

Moral of the story:  Don’t believe a Gutter Mouth, don’t talk like a Gutter Mouth and, for goodness sake, don’t pay the balance until the job is done!

My Top Ten Questions For Visitors To The “N” (as in Naked) Resort

a dense forest
a dense forest

Hon, if you read my last post you’ll know what the “N” in The “N” Resort stands for.  If not, let me fill you in.  It stands for naked, as in your birthday suit, as in sans clothing!  On a van ride from the airport in Jamaica, I chatted with a friendly, funny and extremely tan couple who frequent the resort.  Since discovering what “N” stands for, questions have swirled in my head like hot fudge swirled on ice cream with a cherry on top!

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not judging.  As far as I’m concerned, just because I’m not comfortable parading around like the Emperor who lost his clothes doesn’t mean other people shouldn’t.  In fact, I’d be considered a heretic by the Puritans (why I’m not that modest might be a future blog post), and my teenagers would tell you that what comes out of my mouth is completely inappropriate (motto for getting through the teenage years with triplets:  Puberty is fun!).

But, everyone has their comfort level and putting on something to go out in public is mine.  Besides, I studied fashion and there’s always a cute new bathing suit, coverup, t-shirt, shorts and dress to wear!

Here are my Top Ten Questions For Visitors To The “N” Resort:

1.  Is it SANS clothing or clothing OPTIONAL?

2.  So, you don’t get dressed up for dinner?

3.  Question # 2 leads me to…Do you eat all your meals in your birthday suit?

4. What kind of chairs do you sit on?  Metal gets hot, plastic and leather are sticky and cloth just doesn’t seem sanitary.  Wood–the chairs must be wood.  Oh, but what about splinters?

5.  Are the waiters and waitresses also in their birthday suits?  The bartender? The lifeguards?

6.  Do you reapply sunblock?  This is an important question, trust me!  I’ll explain in a future blog post.

7.  Isn’t it awkward if you bump into someone, bend over, or have a “food baby belly” after a big meal?  (sorry if I’m getting too graphic but once you’ve been pulled in, there’s no turning back!)

8.  Do you wear pajamas to bed?

The last two questions I can ask on a G-rated blog…

9.  What happens if you’re happy? (really happy!)

10.  And…what’s “in?”  Does it depend on what part of the world you’re from?  Dense forests? Forests cleared for subdivisions? Or deforestation?

Do you have any G-rated questions?  Or answers to my Top Ten?  If so, hon, I’d love to hear them!